Phoebe is an aspiring writer and performer, hoping to use the tools she has developed over the years to carve out a little space on Earth for herself. She has consistently battled with feeling lonely her whole life, and she feels genuine joy when she is able to trade stories face to face with another person because stories weave people together, and the knit is always stronger than the strand.
“Like watching a plant struggling to grow in the wintertime. Every day you go to check on it, but it doesn’t seem to be going through any changes at all. In fact, many days it didn’t look like it was going to survive. But before you know it, winter is ending and the plant has taken on volume and shape. ”
What were you like as a teenager?
I was extremely dramatic (internally). I was a stereotypical “emo” kid. I hated wearing anything other than black hoodies. I didn’t really date. I thought no one would ever want to be with me, and I would have no other choice than to become a nun. I didn’t act out or do anything foolish, but I would skip class a lot sue to anxiety. I was good at making my friends laugh.
Growing up did you ever experience discrimination or did you feel like an outsider?
I was sort of “lucky” in a way that I never really felt like I was an outsider. I moved to Canada when I was very young, and was in the ESL program for a short period of time. I had a few classmates that were also Asian and so I don’t think I really felt like an outsider for much of my life. In fact, as hard as it is to confront now that I’m older, I would purposefully distance myself from other Asian students in high school if they were unable to speak fluent English. I didn’t want to be “lumped in” with them. It was a very popular insult when I was growing up to call someone “Fobby” (as in fresh off the boat). Almost like that cafeteria scene from Mean Girls, I would consider myself “better” for having shed the accent and not staying with the small cliques of other Asians speaking their mother tongue. I didn’t care that I was neglecting my Asian heritage at the time.
What gave you the most anxiety as a teenager?
I was so scared of underperforming in school. The pressure to do well was so immense. I remember coming home with graded tests in elementary school with A’s and not really getting any encouragement or acknowledgement of the achievement from my parents. My parents had a very hands off approach to my education. They left me alone, but expected great grades. I never learned how to study or to persevere through failure. When my natural smarts were no longer sufficient enough for me to pass without effort, I withdrew from school altogether. I would skip classes. I hated disappointing my teachers and friends. Not showing up and having to confront them seemed easier. I didn’t want to score lower than an A. But I could no longer achieve those grades without effort. I didn’t know how to apply myself. I just had a lot of self-loathing for not living up to the opportunity and sacrifice my parents made by bringing me up in Canada.
When did you start dating?
I didn’t start seriously dating until I turned 18. I was very insecure and shy growing up. I didn’t see myself as beautiful. I was a late bloomer. It took a long time to work out how I wanted to present myself to the world. I remember in college, people would hit on me and I would do these mental gymnastics in my head to convince myself I was misreading the situation.
What is a piece of advice you would give to your teenage self?
This is going to pass. You are going to be okay. Not all learning is done in schools.
What was your relationship like with your parents?
Strange and hard to describe. I was and still am distant with my dad. We’re cordial, and we make small talk whenever we see each other. I see how animated he is with his friends and it’s a rare side of him I don’t really see. But all the hobbies I love (music, video games, movies) I got through him. I would watch him play games growing up. I remember he would carry me to my room when I fell asleep on the couch. We definitely got along more when I was younger. And when I grew into a teenager, I don’t think he knew how to interact with me.
My relationship with my mom was more tumultuous. She has a fiery temper and I was at the receiving end many times. I would be in trouble for wanting to do things other western kids got to do, like sleepovers or having dinner at a friend’s house. She always wanted me to have people over instead. I don’t know why, maybe that way she could keep an eye on me? But she showed me her love through material things. She would buy me treats or gifts after a particularly bad disciplining. Our relationship improved once I moved out.
Did your parents say “I love you” or “I’m proud of you” often?
No. It’s still not something we really say in person to each other. But we’ll text it to each other now for special occasions. I don’t think I’ve ever heard them say that they are proud of me, although I suppose I haven’t really earned that yet.
How would you describe your journey from adolescence to adulthood?
Like watching a plant struggling to grow in the wintertime. Every day you go to check on it, but it doesn’t seem to be going through any changes at all. In fact, many days it didn’t look like it was going to survive. But before you know it, winter is ending and the plant has taken on volume and shape. I guess what I’m trying to say is that at every pivotal age in my life, I would look back at my younger self to reflect on how much I’ve grown and I would congratulate myself on finally figuring it all out. But lo and behold, another several years would pass and an older me would look back and come to the same conclusion. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. But I recognize that every time I have these inward reflections, I feel more sure of myself, and that makes all the hurt and setbacks from my past sting a little less.
Do you see yourself represented in media?
Not until more recently. There was a time when I was growing up, that I didn’t really have any strong Asian females in popular culture to admire and look up to. It’s really encouraging to be able to see Asian leads in film and TV playing roles that don’t paint broad strokes about a whole culture of people. I would also argue the new wave of feminism helped produced shows that reflect what it’s like being a woman in her 20’s trying to figure out her life in the modern age where we’re not just baby factories and homemakers.
How would you describe your style?
I like a good power-clash. I really enjoy trying on 2 very bold patterns and just trying it out to see if I can pull it off. I like very colourful clothing with lots of prints. I love saturated colours. I like clothing that shows off my curves. I am making up for all the years in high-school I spent wearing baggy black hoodies trying to be moody and unimposing.
What does Audacity mean to you?
I think it means being bold and fearless. Having a strong will and being determined.
Are you a feminist and why or why not?
Of course! I believe that females should be treated the same as males in almost all aspects of life. Females should be paid the same as males, and females should be able to discuss sex openly like males do without any repercussions. The physical differences between genders have been extrapolated into determining a hierarchy of status and this is a very archaic form of reasoning since we no longer live in caves.
Do you feel like you belong?
More and more each day. I still struggle with negative thought patterns where I question if I am contributing to the world in a meaningful way or not. But I have a really solid group of people I trust in my life, and they keep me grounded and feeling a part of the world than adrift.
What is the most badass thing about you?
I am the high priestess to a coven of witches. I also do a mean Eminem for karaoke.
What do you want the world to know about you?
I think the most beautiful gift we can give each other is understanding, or at least an honest effort at understanding. It encourages us to empathize, and educate ourselves before making snap judgements. It keeps an open mind for better discourse.
Find Phoebe on the internet at: @phoebelikesallthethings